無賴

作曲：李峻一
填詞：李峻一
編曲：Ted Lo

我間中飲醉酒　很喜歡自由
常犯錯愛說謊　但總會內疚
遇過很多的損友　學到貪新厭舊
亦欠過很多女人

怕結婚只會守　三分鐘諾言
曾話過要戒煙　但講了就算
夢與想丟低很遠　但對返工厭倦
自小不會打算

＊但是仍　(在地球)　唯獨妳愛我這廢人　
出錯妳都肯去忍　
然而誰亦早知不會合襯　
偏偏妳願意等
　
為何還喜歡我　我這種無賴　
是話妳蠢還是很偉大　
在座每位都將我踩　口碑有多壞　
但妳亦永遠不見怪　

何必跟我　我這種無賴　
活大半生還是很失敗　
但是妳死都不變心　跟我笑著捱　
就算壞　我也不忍心　(偷偷作怪)＊

沒有根的野草　飄忽的命途
誰像妳當我寶　什麼也做到
舊愛數足一匹布　在這刻寫句號
只想跟妳終老

REPEAT＊

還喜歡我　我這種無賴
是話妳蠢還是很偉大
在座每位都將我踩　口碑有多壞
但妳亦永遠不見怪

何必跟我　我這種無賴
活大半生還是很失敗
但是妳死都不變心　跟我拼命捱
換轉別個　也不忍心　偷偷作怪

Saw this doll at ps on friday. Handsome huh. It's one of the better looking doraemons in the market nowadays. *hint* Haha, I'm just putting this picture here to brighten up my blog. There's this serious lack of pictures here.

Shall bring my camera to school next week. We're thinking of taking a class photo. But then, it's hard to find a common slot when everybody is in school, and free. If we wait until next semester, some of those graduating this sem won't be around. Hmm. And some popular fellow send an email to everyone to suggest a date, time, venue for a photo! :)

Oh yes, the presentation is over at last. Hehe. I'm really glad that the lecturer seemed pleased with my solution. The presentation of this question took me half an hour in class. It's like another intro talk basically. Imagine how long I spent thinking of the solution, when the presentation took me half an hour. Last graph lecture next week. Soon, I'll get to distant myself from graph again. But I guess, after spending so much time on graph this semester, I've improved a bit. It's not as horrendous as before. In exchange, I lost some of the instinct which I once had whenever I came across analysis questions.

Now, my defintion for librarian look.


Basically, in one of my craps, I mentioned I like guys with librarian look. And it somehow spreaded to lots of other honours students, without me knowing. Until I was told to define what I meant by librarian look, I stunned. So I constructed the above two images for fun.

I think, I better be careful bout what I said during lunch and while I was in the honours room. Though it was fun sometimes, but I guess, for the more serious issues, my opinions ought to be phrased in a politically correct manner.

Gonna go and do my econs tutorial. It's a difficult tutorial and I won't be surprised if I can't come up with any solution. Now, I regret not volunteering myself for the previous tutorial when I could do all the questions. Luckily, I've put s/u. :)

The graph theory tutorial presentation isn't over yet. I've one more question to present on friday. Argh. Just when I think this presentation nightmare is going to be over soon, I realize we still have to present past year graph theory exam questions. *faint* Not only do I not like graph theory, I don't like to give presentations as well.

Hopefully, I'll be able to complete my matrix computation tutorial and assignment today. And try out some of the past year graph theory exam questions tomorrow. Not that I want to volunteer to present in class. But just in case he really goes through the questions in class, I can check my answers there.

Accidentally came across this blog. The writer seems to think negatively of students who study all day long. Wait till she goes to honours year, if she ever makes it there, she'll see the need to study for long hours each day. To me, everyone has 24 hours a day. So what one need to do is to maximize his/her utility of this 24 hours each day, making choices which he/she won't regret years later. If one can cope, he can join 10 ecas, take up 10 tuition assignments and do a million other things. But because most human beings are superman or wonderwoman, we can't do so many things.

I think the writer needs to have more respect towards people who makes use of their time differently. Since she has so much opinions bout people spending a lot of time on their studies, I hope she doesn't have to approach any of the so called muggers for help in her assignment one day. Under her definition, I think most of my batch honours students qualify as mugger.

I'm going off to mug. :)

By the way, people who wanna apply for transcripts, you can't get them from the university hall. Apply online, then pay and collect them at the student office in engine after four working days. For more information, refer to the registrar office website.

I got myself drenched after going to the office to apply for the transcript yesterday. Should have done it online. Nonetheless, I was so touched when my friend smsed me to ask me whether I want an umbrella. Too bad I was already drenched. Still, it's so nice of her. :)

I saw one of the uglier side of myself yesterday. But in fact, this is the more human-side of me. I couldn't help feeling upset that part of my honours project homework won't be included in my thesis. I couldn't help feeling upset that when nobody helped in the question I was supposed to present for graph theory tutorial. I couldn't help feeling slightly jealous when someone went to sit with another girl. When all these have happened, I couldn't help feeling unhappy when I couldn't obtain my transcript from the university hall.

It reached a point when I couldn't convince myself to look on the positive side.

All until I walked to the bus stop after school with my friends, one of them said something like "sometimes you just have to believe that you can't be right all the time".

He's right.

And when I woke up this morning, I realized something. Letting go may do more good than harm sometimes. By not including the homework last weekend into my thesis, I'll not have to spend more time filling up the holes, and worry that my examiner will bombard me with questions related to those stuff. The weekend's effort may be wasted, but at least, I don't have to spend more effort in this technical stuff this coming weekend. To have a good thesis in the end, I need to be selective of what to put in. Time and effort in exchange for a good grade at the end of it, it's worth it.

As for help, it comes in various forms. For the intellectually or academically inclined ones, help may come in the form of passing of knowledge. And for the others, help may be in the form of support and enouragement. Still, I wanna thank all those who have helped.

Jealousy, it should be eliminated. It's a waste of my energy. If I can't even take it now, I'll probably be blown up into pieces when that fellow goes somewhere else.

For the transcript, it's nothing serious. I can always go and get it next time.

I've been pushing myself too hard. The harder I push, the higher my hopes that my effort will pay off. I guess, I've remind myself that things don't always work out this way. After the graph theory presentation, I'll take a short break. :) Can't wait for the semester to end. Exams will end in one month's time. :)

I gonna whine bout my project again. So in case you're in a bad mood and sick of people whining, just skip my entry for the day.

There seems like a million theorems and lemmas out there, all of which I've never heard of. I've a few 'bibles' at home. One on time-frequency representations, one on functional analysis, one on fourier analysis and wavelets. And a few supplementary ones. Soon enough, my table gonna collapse under the weight of books and files, and my body weight. To think that I'm having quite a hard time now, it makes me really unsure bout how I'm going to cope during masters.

I'm taking just three modules, one of which is macroeconomics, and I just need to pass it. I only have lessons on three days every week. By right, it should have been a relaxing semester. But on the contrary, I felt more pressurized as compared to my first few semesters in school, when I was taking 6 modules every semester. I had physics, computing lab sessions. Every week, I had more than 30 hours of lessons, I had to go back almost everyday. But I had the feeling of being efficient and productive. And I thought I was coping well.

In a msn conversation last night, I recalled the time I spent in college. I've better grades now, better friendship bonds, higher confidence. Almost everything seems to be better now. But I tend to refer the college days as the good old days. Probably, it is because, the memories of there are mostly pleasant ones.

But I believe, when I'm in the midst of struggling with assignments in NIE, I'll probably refer to my time in nus as the good old days as well.

Enough complaints for now, I need to go back to my project again.

I wonder, how come I always have so much stuff waiting for me to do. When I finished reading one theorem, there's always the next one waiting for me to understand. When I've finished one tutorial, there're always several other tutorials waiting for me to complete. I've several textbooks to read.

To think that I've worked hard for weeks, finally my tests and intro talk are over, and I could spare some time to meet up with a friend for a while, I got myself in trouble. And whenever I stepped out of the house, I would turn my head every now and then to make sure there's nobody following me.

Maybe, this is god (or whoever up there)'s way of telling me to stop going out, just stay at home and mug until exams are over. Or maybe, it's to tell me to stop saving money, start spending, and the first thing to do is to employ a body guard.

But, thanks to all those who showered me with concern. Especially those who insisted that I sms them everytime I reach home from school. Maybe I'll go and learn wushu during the holidays. But where to find time? I've to type my thesis then. Argh.

Glad to see my teacher in nus today. Saw him when I opened the honours library door to go to my supervisor's room. He was about to enter CRA for lesson on graph theory. Hehe. What a coincidence.

I guess, seeing him and talking to him today really makes my day. Because I was stressed by the fact that I'm going to have two presentations next week, I've no idea how to solve the particular graph theory question which I'm supposed to present, what's more, I've forgotten how to find Jacobian, so I gonna dig out my MA1104 lecture notes and read up on it. It's so embarrassing to admit to my supervisor that I've forgotten bout something so fundamental.

Anyway, even though it's just for one hour or so, I'm still glad to have spoken to my teacher. It's good that after so many years, I'm still able to speak to him with absolute trust.

As I was telling him, I wish I know what someone is thinking. But at the same time, I know this isn't the right time to find out. I hope we can lay things out and discuss. But I know, this isn't possible. We're so near, but yet, there's a barrier. We may remove this barrier if one of us take the initiative to speak up what's on our minds. But rationally, this shouldn't be done at this point of time. I was in this dilemma for ten months. And the best way was not to think bout it. It's all up to him. But no matter what, I'll respect his decision. And I'll always thank him for all that he has done.

Even though I can't reach any conclusion of this issue, it's still good to at least voice it out to somebody. Somebody who knows both of us, but will most likely be on my side.

Of course, the right thing to do now is to stop typing, take a shower, and start working on my tutorials.

I bet, from now on, I'll be the seniors' suan-ing target during lunch time. The minute two or more of them get together, they'll start yet another suan-ing session. And they looked really excited when they successfully made me blushed. Argh. Now they claimed, they find suan-ing me natural.

As long as they don't go overboard, I'll be fine. They're stressed. So if suan-ing is an entertainment for them, then let it be. Though I still hope, someone can save me. Two ways, either by coming an easier or so called more natural target for them to attack, or, by defending me when the rest suan me. :)

And now that I've gotten the application form for the masters programme, I began to have doubts bout applying. It's about weighing my interest against that of responsibilities. One very practical issue is, I won't get a higher salary with a masters degree. I know it is possible to complete the course within one year, but it's going to be tough. So without sufficient interest, it's going to be a struggle. A struggle without incentives at the end of it.

I haven't filled up the form yet. Have until december to do so.

Who shall be my second referee?

I guess all these thoughts aren't going to do my cold any good. So wait till I recover.

But guess what, I got 86/100 for my econs test. So unbelievable right. Haha. So now I think I shouldn't have big problem passing this module. It isn't all that fantastic. Because about 25% of the students got 86 and above. But since I only need to pass, being in the first quartile is good enough. Because I've low expectation for this module, I'm happy when I do better than expectation.

For most of my other modules, I can only be relieved when I do well. And this really explains my sadness over the lebesgue integration test last semester when I just passed. But then, although the high expectation I set upon myself does bring me stress, but as long as this stress doesn't make me unhappy, it's fine. :)

'Potter' is scared of not getting any offer from the top universities for his graduate studies. Another is working hard, getting A+ for his math modules is only a norm. To me, their worries are perfectly valid. These worries don't apply to me, because I'm not them. Each of us is just trying to maximize our potential and abilities to achieve the most possible, in the process, it's natural to feel stress. Stress isn't restricted to the brighter ones, neither is it restricted to the not so bright ones. As friends, we aren't able to fully comprehend what the other is doing and feeling. But we can be understanding, we can give each other support. :)

After the visit to tj yesterday, I felt this strong urge to compare now and the past.

Teachers will ask, have you visited mr kwan recently? They think, I'll always make the effort to keep in contact with him. In fact, I do. I believe the teacher-student bond we used to have will always remain. No matter whether we meet each other often or not.

When I go back for visit, I'll normally eat the fish soup from the same stall opposite. Not because it tastes fantastic. I'll just feel like eating it.

When I go to the honours library, I'll always occupy the same table, the same chair as the first time I went in there one year ago. One year ago, I had no access, so I needed my senior to open the door for me.

When I visit any stall in the canteen, I'll always order the same combination of food.

It seems that, I avoid making changes to my life. I follow the routine, if possible.

I went to parkway yesterday. It's almost one year since I last went there. With the same person. We saw a doraemon toy at singtel hello shop which looks similar to the ones we saw last year. I think there was this doraemon fair thingy at parkway last time. Just when I thought that things haven't changed much over the years, I recalled what I told one of my teachers earlier on during the visit: some things just can't go back.

Later on during dinner at home, I said something like "some people don't deserve a second chance".

They were meant for two different context. I think sometimes, in order to move on with our life, we just have to give up on certain people or things. It's not whether we want to or not. By letting go, we'll eventually lead a happier life.

When teachers comment that I still look the same, still speak in the same manner, ... ... They're right on the whole. I have not changed much. The most significant changes to me, perhaps, is the fact that I've chosen to give up on two things. And because of this turbulance in my peaceful life, they somehow made me put in more effort in my studies, and more effort in knowing and appreciating the people around me.

Though I'm quite upset that things have turned out to be so much different from my initial expectations, but I guess more importantly, I don't regret on the choices I've made. And the thought of the things I've gained along the way after making those choices brought me some sense of satisfaction in return.

Time to rest. :)

The presentation is finally over. Haha. I guess it's really hectic to have a driving test, all my mid terms and a presentation all within the same month. It's really like one series of nightmares. My most stressful period in nus so far. But now that everything had ended, I feel really satisfied. It was like making 4 achievements all in the same month.

Because to me, driving test is the hardest test I've ever sat for. Because when you're well-prepared, it's not so much of a test of your skills. Rather, it's a test of how fast to regain your calmness upon starting the car engine, and how lucky you are with the road conditions and tester.

The mid-term tests gave me slighter greater confidence. My confidence level was quite low ever since my lebesgue integration test.

And the presentation today, I wanna thank all those who sms to wish me luck and/or came personally to support. Especially to those girls who sat right in front, nodded their heads enthusiastically, so that I knew I could proceed with the next slide; all those who helped me rehearse my speech, it took up at least half an hour of their precious time each; all those who encouraged and comforted.

I come to realize, no matter how high is my CAP, how independent I appear to be,... ... I still need friends, encouragement and support. And I'm very glad that I've them. :)

I might have rehearsed too many times for my intro talk, such that I'm beginning to feel a bit sick of it. There's going to be another rehearsal tomorrow. To be frank, I feel so touched that another friend offered to rehearse with me. No matter how good the rehearsal is going to be, it's still going to be a waste of his time. There's no way he's going to benefit from it.

Apart from going through my slides over and over again, finally I did something constructive: my matrix computation assignment. :) So after my talk on tuesday, I only need to do my graph theory tutorial when I get home.

Hope the lecture ends early tomorrow. My talk is at 0930 the next morning. I hope I don't yawn in front of my audience. I'm looking forward to the end of my talk. After which, I can relax for a while before the exams.

I'm having this mixture of feelings - tired, yet happy. I'm tired of doing assignment after assigment, tutorial after tutorial, sitting for one test after another, having presentations every now and then, write pages and pages for my thesis, borrowing one book after another, so much so that I even begin to worry that my table will collapse under the weight of my books and notes. But at the same time, I'm happy that I've the ability and stamina of doing all these. To some extent, I enjoy what I'm doing and they give me sense of satisfaction.

Now that my mind is on my studies, and I'm having a good time with my friends in school, it seems that the withdrawal of a person in my life hasn't got much of an impact eventually. No matter how serious a depression is, one day, it'll be over. :)

Finished typing out my presentation slides using winedt, at last. It took me one whole day. Sigh. At least, I've things to show my supervisor tomorrow.

Now that tests are over, results are known, mum has recovered, no more driving lesson, everything seems to be in good shape once again. Hopefully, I'll be able to get some good sleep tonight. :) I have not slept well for the past three weeks plus. First because of driving test. After which, I couldn't sleep because I was feeling all so uneasy that tests are coming and I lacked confidence in all my modules this semester. This persisted for around two weeks. When the tests were over, my mum fell ill. And I began to worry that I wouldn't be able to learn revise winedt to type out the presentation slides in time.

Finally, I can relax for a while. Though probably I'll have to edit the slides again tomorrow. I've my graph theory tutorial to complete. And my matrix computation assignment as well. But that can wait until the weekend. :)

Just when I'm calling for joy that all my midterms are finally over, my mum is sick. Luckily the doctor claimed that it's nothing life threatening.

I watched over her throughout the night. Just like how she used to watch over me during my asthma and migraine attacks last time. After going through twenty two years of my life, I've finally began to see the effort parents put in in bringing up their children. As a chain reaction, I thought it's now my turn to do something for them.

If anything happens at home, the very minimum I can do is to stay calm.

Just when I'm feeling down over my mum's health, stressed over the work I've to catch up, helpless over the fact that I can't find anyone to help, I'm glad I've friends who showered concern. And like all other times when I felt helpless and depressed, I'm compensated with good grades for both my math mid terms. It gives me a strength to carry on.

I can continue to assure my parents that I'll make them more and more proud of me and that I can be a good daughter at the same time. Hopefully, these would compensate all they had lost over the years.

On a lighter note, I talked to Mr. Potter! No, he came to talk to me! Ahhhh... Because he doesn't talk to other girls, so it gives me the feeling that I'm more privileged. Lame. Haha. And he remembers my name. And he pronounced it correctly. :) I'll better not go overboard, else people will start calling me Ginny. That's Ron's sister. She idolizes Harry Potter. Ron! Yet to find Ron. I want a friend like Ron. Ron!

Don't you think Ron is cuter?

Fine. I haven't found anyone who agrees.