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ljiawen @blogspot.com ♥
Friday, September 30, 2005

Feeling high now, because graph theory test is over. !!! Just one more exam, and I'll break all connections with graph theory. It's going to be over in less than two months time. :)

Seeing all the stressed faces in the honours library. Everyone aims to graduate. Of course, some of us are aiming for the better honours class. In fact, I always treasure the times I spent inside the room with my friends, because in one year time, I may just be inside there alone.The tables and chairs will be taken up by a different batch of honours students, and I don't know most of them. By then, all the laughters and gossips will be just memories.

Somehow, I'm beginning to have feelings for the department. Grades play a very trivial role in this. It's my friends, my lecturers and my supervisor.

I'm glad that up till now, I'm still able to admire 'Mr.Potter' like a little fan when he gives a super intelligent answer (in my opinion) in class. I'll be really ashamed of myself if I ever dislike someone just because he's more intelligent. That is childish. :P But of course, it's a few steps further to be a fan of someone. 'Mr.Potter' is just so humble. And I believe very few people of his intelligence can be less show-off than he is.

Let me emphasize, there's nothing deeper than fan-and-idol. Yes, I know he is fair and he wears black specs. And he's quite cute looking. But, I only like Chinese. And he's only 17, I heard. He's doing well in Lebesgue Integration. When I was 17, I didn't know what's Riemann integral. And now that we're in the same graph theory class, he's giving some super good answer, and I'm at the back wow-ing. :)

Likw what my friends and I were commenting today, mathematics is a subject for guys. Most of the elites are guys. In general, guys are also doing better. People who are passionate of the subject are mainly guys. Not a single female lecturer in the department. Hence to the female students, any female recipant of the book prizes and medals is a glory to us. We're glad that Dr. Tan (my linear programming lecturer last time who retired after that semester) is back with us as a tutor. :) Maybe before I leave the school, I'll knock on her door and tell her I'm her fan too.

This spells out why I'm so happy nowadays. Because everyday in school, I'll bump into some idol(s). And we'll wave at each other. Haha. To me, it's a good feeling to have people around for me to look up to.

Graph theory is over. What a relief. My tuition kid has sat for her promos, so it means no tuition in the next few weeks. So what remain on the list are matrix computation test next monday and project intro talk on the tuesday after next. The burden seems so much lighter after the two tests today.

Time for a nap, follow by revision for matrix computation test. Tests and assignments, they all come one after another. Never ending. Luckily I don't dislike them. :)
Wednesday, September 28, 2005

My internet connection is bring me trouble. Every week or so, I've to disconnect the modem and router and reinstall everything in order for me to surf the net. It's just so super troublesome, especially on days when I'm in the midst of thinking bout my graph theory questions. My test is on this friday. For the very first time of my univeristy education, I went to hunt for reference books myself, and tried practising the questions at the end of the relevant chapters. I didn't even do that for lebesgue integration last time.

With all the graphs, I'm going mad. I believe I'll jump for joy when the test is finally over. When the exam is over, I'll probably celebrate the fact that I don't have to see graphs ever again for the rest of my univeristy education.

For graphs, I don't mean those you plot on graph papers and axis and stuff. Just like algebra, it's not about solving x and y and manipulating them. Just like analysis, there's no data for you to analyse. These names are so misleading.

Anyway, I gonna fix my router. Then take nap. Then read through my econs. After my econs revision, I'll probably be glad to go back to my graph theory questions again. Maths, no matter how difficult it gets, it is still easier than many other stuff. :)
Saturday, September 24, 2005

Was flipping through my files and books last night to prepare for my intro talk. For a moment, I felt myself being buried under them. Both physically and mentally. Imagine putting one file full of papers, one stack of photocopied stuff, and one book on my lap, then another 5 books on my bed, more stacks of notes on my table. I dug out my functional analysis and lebesgue integration notes.

It's a heavy load. In order to make the audience understand my talk, I'm going to skip lots of details. What they'll see aren't going to even appear in my thesis. Because in the thesis, I'm proving not for the self adjoint operators, they're only mentioned as a corollary to the general cases. And I'm only going to mention the inequalities. The equalities ( which make up 3/4 of the proof) is going to be skipped. Of a sudden, I realize my project isn't that simple afterall. I better stop assuring friends that they'll understand every single thing I say during my talk.

Anyway, the talk isn't going to be that soon. Just that, my supervisor is a very good speaker when it comes to talks and stuff. I don't want to disgrace him. The better and nicer he is, the more I don't want to disgrace him. :)

I'll need to use winedt for my slides. For the time being, it looks easy. I'll figure out everything after my tests. Graph theory and econs next week. Matrix computation for the week after. I hope everything goes well. Graph... sigh.

Doubt I'll have time for updates next week.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Now in the midst of my matrix computation revision. Even if anton isn't classified to be one of the better linear algebra text available in the market, it still serves its purpose of refreshing my memory on the more basic linear algebra theorems. When I need more in depth stuff, I've to make my way to the science library.

I've finished my econs revision. So much so that I dreamed of econs during nap yesterday. I hope I've revised enough to pass next friday's test. It's 40% of the final grade. Same weightage as the final exam. Woohoo. If I do well enough for the test, I can just slack my way through the rest of the semester for econs. :) This is unlikely though. I still can't forget the tutorial which I only have 15% of the answers correct. My worst tutorial. Worse than the GP tutorials I used to have.

Going to school to meet my supervisor tomorrow. Yet to brain storm on what to say during my intro talk. Am suppose to discuss with my supervisor tomorrow and decide whether I wanna use transparencies or the comp in CRa. Have to look through my file later.

It's a hard time both at home and in school. I'll pull it through. :)
Tuesday, September 20, 2005

When more complicated problems set in, even the revision of macroecons isn't so unbearable. I admit, the times I spent reading and understanding lecture notes, trying out tutorials, writing out proofs are moments I enjoy. It sounds really nerdy. Haha. Because my mind is detached from problems and emotions. Everything boils down to good or bad, right or wrong, yes or no, can or cannot etc.

I'm glad I still have friends and family members whom I can trust.

Once I doubt someone's sincerity, I'll shut my door. This is just self protection.

My first attempt in driving my family car. I must have looked really scary. This Indian man stood still and looked really frightened when I drove forward before I reverse the car into the parking slot. Haha. And there's this group of uncles and aunties who couldn't make up their minds bout whether to cross the road or not, and they stood in the middle of the road when my vehicle turned in.

Sometimes when I wanted to signal, I on the wiper. The steering wheel is so much heavier. The car body is longer. And it's super difficult to pull up (and then push down) the handbrake before moving off. But still, driving is fun. At least, I'm now qualified to move that monster (my car) around. I'll conquer it and make it listen to me. My poor dad has to adjust the seat for himself everytime I touched the car. I think, people cannot see my head at the driver's seat from the back. I'm just too short. :)
Sunday, September 18, 2005

A photo taken 3 weeks ago.

For those who didn't know I cut my hair, yes, I cut my hair. When? One month ago. Why? Miscommunication bout shoulder length hair with the hairdresser. The good thing bout this new hairstyle is, I don't have to comb it often. And I think I'm dropping less hair nowadays. :)

Still, I miss my hair. I'll grow it back. When I finally graduate from nus with a masters degree, my hair should be long again. :)

Short hair gives me less trouble when I drive. My hair won't be all over my face when I'm driving. Also, when I told my teachers I cut my hair short, they sounded slightly more enthusiastic bout meeting me at the end of the year. Haha.

I remember, when I was 19, I jokingly told my teacher that I didn't wanna learn driving yet, so that I'll be more enthusiastic in finding someone to drive me around for the rest of my life. And I told him, if one day I'm really heart brokened, I'll go and cut my hair short.

After numerous heart breaking incidents, I didn't do anything to my hair. It is short now, merely because of a misunderstanding of the definition of shoulder length. And I took up driving lessons, because I think that's million times easier as compared to locating a suitable candidate to drive me around for the rest of my life. Even if I've found a suitable one, I need the other party's consent.

I've seen many of my profs waiting for their wives to pick them up after work. Haha. Ya know, it's equally sweet. :)

Of course, the more crucial reason is, I think I should get a license to fully utilize my family car. Also, what if one day my dad falls ill? It is certainly better if I can drive him to a clinic or hospital. Now, being the only child in the house, I've a greater responsibility. Back in secondary school, I used to wish I'll own a car like that of my principal's. Ha, so it's like killing two birds with one stone.

Or, to put it in another manner, when I can't find anyone to depend on, I need to be independent. When there's no where to seek help from, then be as good as possible, so that I require minimum help from others.

Excited to learn my family car. :) Cars tend to capture my attention these few days.
Friday, September 16, 2005

Now the mid semester break. Yay!

But then, the last lesson of today was quite demoralizing. For one, I was late. And I caused my friend to be late as well. And my whole tutorial solution was flooded with crosses and red ink. Not because I didn't bring other pens. Not because I wanna draw a cross instead of a cross. Almost everything is wrong.

To be really really optimistic about this, I should be happy, because this tutorial "forces" me to put s/u. I don't need to have any second thought bout having this module graded. Apparently, I'm never so optimistic. It is my friend and his logic. Macroeconomics makes me so glad that I'm a math major. Even graph theory isn't that difficult now.

Two weeks later, I'll have a graph theory test, AND, a macroecons test. I'm taking three modules, just three modules, and I still get to have two tests on the same day. I thought I wouldn't have to care about macroecons. But from the look of it now, I think I need to study in order to pass. :(

Won a monopoly game just now. Yay! It's all about luck.
Thursday, September 15, 2005

No more driving lesson at cdc from now on. No more anxiety over driving test. It's the end of the torture.

I passed. :)

Thanks to all those who sent sms to wish me luck. Especially Ms Pot and Qing Yao, who entertained me before I went to bed last night.

I got the easiest test route. Everything was smooth. I used to dislike motorists because they used to accelerate and zoom past me whenever I wanted to lane change. Just for today, the motorist following behind my vehicle didn't do anything funny. :)

Was looking pale before the warm up test, as claimed by the instructor in charged of marking attendance. Another instructor who took a few of my lessons actually came over to comfort me. And during the warm up test itself, I struck the kerb while doing vertical parking. As claimed by the instructor, it was the wrong positioning of the pole and nothing wrong with my turning point. But it was enough to make me freak out. Haha. Striking of kerb is going to cost us ten demerit points. More than eighteen demerit points, we'll fail.

Now, it's over. I'm a qualified driver now. People who wanna buy 4D, here are some numbers for you:

Numbers for mix and match

I can't stop smiling. :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I hope everything goes well for the driving test tomorrow. Sigh. In just 23 hours time, it's going to be over. If you don't see the words "driving license" striked off under the wish list tomorrow, it means I've failed -again-. It's such a difficult test to pass, even harder than Lebesgue integration. Of course, one reason is, quekie isn't my driving test examiner. Haha. But that's not the point. Anyway, I just hope I pass the test tomorrow. And then, I'll be one step nearer to fulfilling my hope of driving a BMW next time.

I've booked the time slot for my HYP intro talk. Apparently, all the better time slots and dates have already been taken up. I'm taking some crazy slot like 0930-1000. The consoling issue here is Alon is having lesson then (unless quekie dismiss them early to let them come for my talk, which is next to impossible), so I can forsee no one is going to bombard me with questions. ok, unless Alon wants to skip lecture to come and bomb me with questions, which again, not possible, coz I'm not worth this effort. In addition, nobody is going to come to school so super early to listen to my talk. If anyone comes early just to listen to my talk, I'll be very touched by the effort. Maybe it'll be just me and my supervisor in the room. Haha. :) Details are as follows:

Project Title: Uncertainty Principles and Time-Frequency Representations
Date: 11 Oct 2005 (Tuesday)
Time: 0930-1000

I'll go and do my tutorial. Maybe that will distract me from the anxiety over my driving test. Before that, one game of monopoly. For a short game, it depends a lot on luck. Coz they randomly assign a few pieces of land to you.
Sunday, September 11, 2005

At last,

I cried, while watching the last five episodes of the drama. Five episodes, cried six times. Broke record. But I guess this doesn't come as a surprise to those who knew I cried while watching lilo and stitch and treasure planet. Haha. I'm not ashame that I cried, even when the tears weren't shed for some very good reasons. I cry because I'm touched.

I remember I asked my teacher "how can I improve my maths?" and he answered "don't know, but it may be possible to reach greater heights if you're more rational and less emotional." And I never tried controlling my emotions until my third year in NUS. Now, I'll smile and wave in school almost all the time when I'm not having lesson. It isn't bout wearing a mask and hiding my emotions. Rather, it's more of putting emotions aside and concentrating on my work. By smiling and waving, it makes me a happier person. Though the whole idea about waving and smiling sounds a bit insane, but I guess, people are always glad to see others smiling or waving at them. Especially in an environment where everybody seems to be engross with his/her own work.

Few weeks ago, I was a bit disturbed by the fact that nobody knows I'm stressed. And I began to think my friends don't understand me, they don't show me care and concern etc. The more I thought about this, the more upset I got. But once I retreated to the position of an outsider, I realized it's me who doesn't want others to see me stressed. I'm always smiling, because that is what I think that's going to keep myself happy. Others don't see my stress, because they're very stressed themselves, and to them, I've every reason to be happy. Eventually, I feel better. And I tried playing a part in bringing laughter to my friends. And I hope, my concern for some of them did make them feel slightly better at the end of the day.

But I know, this year and the next in nus is going to be tough. There may be a day when I'll start feeling stressed again. I hope the above paragraph will serve as a reminder for next time, that I should withdraw from my position and look at problems from another perspective.

On a lighter note, I'm now 99.99% sure that the econs guy was my ex classmate. Unless he has a look alike who is also a left hander in the same class of less than 200 people, majority of which are girls. I found out from his sister that he is taking the module. Haha. I'm quite resourceful afterall. :) The sister had been taking modules in science as cross fac all the while. But I never get to see her. Erm. Maybe I need to start roaming the canteen more often. Because I stay in the honours room too often, my social circle now consists of only math honours students. But I must admit, my math major friends really brightened up my days in the past few weeks.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

I've four dramas to be watched. Haha. I started with this, coz it has the most number of handsome guys. Take a look:



With the new dvd player, I've practically stopped watching the dramas on tv. Both me and my mum are addicted to this drama. Mum used to be scared of touching my computer. In order to use my computer to watch the drama, she overcame her fear. She even wakes up in the middle of the night to watch the show.

Entertainment aside. I'm beginning to struggle with my econs. Couldn't do the tutorial. And because I had already made up my mind to put s/u for this module, I now lack the motivation to really go find out how to do the questions. It's like having a wrong attitude altogether. I hope I don't fail in the end. I've a mid term exam which is worth 40% of the final grade at the end of the month. Ah... Can anyone introduce an econs major to me? ... ... Ya know, it'll be really over enthusiastic if I go for consultation for a module which I just need to pass.

Last semester, the guy from arts topped lebesgue integration class. This semester, someone from engine is taking matrix computation, and he seems to be the most enthusiastic student in class. -_-'''

I'll throw econs aside and go back to my graph and project tomorrow. :)

Driving test coming. Ahhh. I'll have tuition that afternoon. I've warned my student not to make any noise if I don't look happy that day. Ahhhh.... Totally agreed with what carrot said last night: you're feeling so super nervous and anxious before the test, but forty minutes later, after the test, you'll be feeling so super upset if you fail. Mood swing.

I almost cried when I failed the other time. But I was so sad that I left immediately after the test, didn't even stay to book for the next test. Ahhh...
Friday, September 09, 2005

Went for another consultation this afternoon. Glad to know that I was doing the right things for the assignment questions. :) I spent one whole night thinking of one question. And when I finally thought of the solution, I almost bursted into tears. Almost. Haha. Nowadays, I only cry when I'm watching drama. So if I really cry for something, it means it's really serious.

My attempt to wave to my primary school classmate was a complete failure. Haha. If only I used half my enthusiasm when I wave to people like quek and chew, he'll be somehow forced to give me a reaction. Now, I've no idea whether he recognized saw me or not. People is tall, you see. Different eye level. :)

I'll revise my econs over the weekend. My notes and photocopied text have been collecting dust for quite some time. Even if it's just a s/u module, I'll still do the minimum to pass. Imagine if I get a U in the end, my whole transcript is going to be ruined! Also, I'll need to make collections to my project. We're finally marching forward to the third chapter.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Going to school in half an hour's time. Managed to get the four proofs done yesterday. Except one part, which I believe I'll have to sit down for an hour to get the calculation done. Calculation. When there's calculation, it's super tedious. Calculations without numbers. All p, p', s, t... and at the end of it, should get a function of p.

Google became a good friend of mine nowadays. It directs me to sources that answer my questions. Matrix computation questions in particular. I've to present one question next week. Assignment due next week. Econs tutorial next week. Most important of all, my driving test. If everything goes well, I'll probably be happy during the whole of my mid semester break. September. My tuition kid is sitting for her promos at the end of the month. Bet she's going to complain bout her stress the next time I see her. When I was her age, I was stressed too. And somehow, this stress carries on till now. I guess, a certain amount of stress is going to tag along, no matter is it studies or work. As long as one can handle stress, it isn't something bad, as it gives one motivation to meet his/her expectations.

Indeed, I'm fortunate to have my supervisor as my supervisor. Haha. He's nice, helpful, encouraging and everything. But most important of all, is the fact that I look up to him. Despite his busy schedule, he makes time for all his students and he carries out all his duties in school well. He shows enthusiasm in his teaching, in his research. He is friendly. He smiles all the time. When I was leaving school after my 7-10pm lecture, he was still in school. Sometimes, when we look at him, we think of his popularity among students, the fact that he's a very good lecturer and helpful person. We sometimes wish, if only we're like him. Now that he's my supervisor, I see the workload he has to handle. And sometimes I think, I rather have more free time and be less successful than he is. It's so contradicting of myself.

Before I go into some deep thoughts of whether I want to be like my supervisor next time, it's time for school. Haha. I'll meet my supervisor in the afternoon. But before that, I gonna go for graph theory lecture. Sitting right under the lecturer's nose actually helps a bit in appreciating his proof. I'll grab a front seat later. :)
Monday, September 05, 2005

I hope I can write four proofs in the next six hours. I mean, read, understand and rewrite four proofs. It sounds quite impossible at the moment, but still, I wanna try. I'm in the wrong mood of worrying, because someone doesn't reply my sms. I know it sounds kind of weird. It's like a mother worrying when her kid doesn't call home.

Hopefully, the proofs shall reset my mood, to something right, that is.

Off to work. I'm online to check out the various definitions of compact set. Haha. quekie is going to be so sad if he knows this. :)
Sunday, September 04, 2005

Finished my graph theory tutorial at last. It gave me the feeling that I'm already half way through the struggle of the course. Hehe, that's certainly good news to me. :) Perhaps, after all the hardwork for the module, I'll like it. At least, that was what happened for analysis last time. Like what denny had said in class, doing analysis questions is like banging your head against the wall, keep on banging until the wall breaks down. So everytime I solve a tough question, it's as if my head is stronger than a wall. I remember, that used to be a great satisfaction. Because my morale was low, solving a difficult question thus turned out to be comforting- at least when I put in enough effort, I accompanished something in the end.

Glad to have communicated with my teachers through sms on thursday. They're busy. I'm busy. The next time we get to meet is probably end of year or early next year. By then, my hair will be long again. Haha. But still, I can offer them a look at my photos. :) On that day, I received a sms from shenji. Surprised. We weren't in contact for the past one year. I must remember to catch up with her during december holidays. We used to be close when we were in jc.

I wonder, is ms chuan posted to the HQ? I thought I saw her walking past the bus stop last monday. The last time I saw her was during the tj gala dinner in 2002. Basically, I've lost contact with almost all my teachers in tkgs. Oh yes, I thought I saw a primary school classmate in my macroecons class last friday too. He looks *a bit* like mr. kwan. *screams* Haha. I'll try walking in front of him next friday. If he's really my ex-classmate, he should be able to recognize me. Especially since now I look almost like how I used to look when I was 12. The good thing is, it's an arts module. I can do all sorts of stupid things there.

ok, it's not as if I don't do stupid things in science anyway. In a single presentation which lasted less than five minutes, I made the class laugh, not once but twice. -blush-

I hope if that guy ever recognizes me (assuming he's really my ex classmate), he'll not say something like "hey, you look exactly like ten years ago" or "hey, you didn't grow". I'll still be upset, even if he looks like an exact clone of kwan. Haha. Suddenly macroecons class turned more interesting. But, considering the fact that I wasn't that nice to him last time, he'll probably choose to pretend not to recognize me. Haha. We'll see how next week. I must remember to wear my heels that day. Else he'll probably not see me at all.

For the time being, enough of this madness. Haha, but it's quite a good way to release stress. I'll probably suffocate if I keep thinking of my assignments. :)
Friday, September 02, 2005

To be frank, I was all so intimidated during econs tutorial today, because I thought (and think), I was one of the few who don't know the topic well enough. After the tutor bombarded me with questions, I was really glad to be able to step out of the classroom at the end of it. And I certainly feel good bout the fact that I'm a math major, and I can always s/u my econs module. :)

Harry Potter. I think this guy looks like him. He's from my graph theory class. After the tutorial today, I think he's Harry Potter and Hermoine combined. He knows everything. And I heard, he's only 17. More importantly, after the tea session this afternoon, I find him really humble and polite. He's frank. Somehow, I feel really proud to have someone like him in math department. For one, if anybody ever thinks that smart people are arrogant, he's one good counter example.

I'm not praising him because he looks like harry potter. Ya know, I like ron and his twin brothers.

The tea session. It's freezing cold in the staff lounge, and throughout the one and half hours, I was shivering in my seat. I didn't speak up, except when one of them asked bout lebesgue integration. Woohoo, how would I be able to resist the temptation of speaking up for my favourite module favourite lecturer's module! Haha. But I really had no idea why they asked bout the module and not anything else. Anyway, the rest of the conversation shall be kept confidential, for the time being. :)

It's weekend. Graph theory tutorial to be completed.

The DIVA ♥